Diary of a dreamer
April 2019
The sky is clear today; mama and I decided to sleep in the open courtyard. I woke up around 4 AM, and right in front of me, there is a huge sky full of stars. In different yet similar patterns, as if unexplainable chemistry, just like my dreams. I am following those patterns and naming them in my dreams. That big wolf is for my public speaker self, that pretty little dove is for the artist girl, those numerous tiny wings are for the woman who loves to fly, but she needs wings, and there they are, the big eagle circling around all those patterns, that’s for her biggest dream, she wants to become an influencer, a policy maker. She wants to get enrolled in Public policy program at her dream school ‘NUST’. That’s the key, the ultimate dream which seems impossible for me. I don’t want to cry, but I miss dad, if he were here, that eagle would have been happier.
August 2019
The eagle on my sky seemed happy that day. He might have told dad too: “I made it to my dream school, and I’m getting a merit scholarship that would cover my tuition fee”. I can work part-time to cover my expenses. They had asked me to respond within a week, but I signed the offer right away. Are you kidding me? I can’t wait for a whole week. Perhaps because a friend of mine told me once that they allot hostels on a first-come-first-served basis. I applied for that too. Aah can’t wait to be there.
September 2019
I moved into the on-campus hostel today. It’s a whole new world. Girls from all over the country, our own furnished rooms, quiet and clean corridors, a beautiful lawn, and benches to enjoy the fresh air. I love how everyone sits together on the tables in a big hall for meals. It reminds me of the great hall at Hogwarts, except there are a few chefs instead of Dumbledore. Oh, I love my life. I’ve started working too. Life has become busy but very exciting.
January 2020
I started my new semester at NUST. I hope I’ll get top grades in this one too. I’m liking the new courses of communication; I love to present in front of my whole class. But I’m a little worried, some say that there’s a deadly virus outbreak in China and it will soon impact us too. I hope that everyone is safe. I’m missing mama, she has become alone after I came here. I’ll visit home next week.
March 2020
I was too upset to write my diary, the past few days. The world has changed. Everything’s falling apart. I came home two weeks ago and we are not allowed to go back. I feel helpless, my brother is not going to school either. And mama isn’t telling me, but I know she’s having trouble getting work. No one needs sewing anymore. But I’m hopeful, we will be fine. Everything will be alright.
April 2020
I have never been this heartbroken in my life. My scholarship donors have sent me an apology that they can’t support me anymore. They don’t have enough funds. Mama is saying that she can’t afford to educate me. She thinks that I have studied enough and it’s time for me to support my brother. The eagle isn’t on the sky today. I guess it was my hope, which I just lost. Did I ask too much? I was supporting myself, but that just isn’t enough.
This pandemic will be over someday, everyone would resume their life, the school will start again too, and the great hall would be cheerful again. The sun would still shine on my room’s window in the hostel, but there wouldn’t be me to enjoy all that. I would start going to work, would pass by Gate 3, but won’t look that way. Because I can’t, I’m not that strong. Letting go of my eagle is not easy. Maybe I was never meant to be a policy maker. Maybe I can’t even afford to dream.
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This article is written by Sara Sultan
